is for deep kisses

for wrapping your arms around someone who is precious

for adventures to places where the stars cover the sky

for real hot chocolate and freshly made cake to share


is for eating buckets of rich home made ice cream on a hot summer day

for sinking into a soft warm bed

for walking on squeaky white sand

and rambling conversations late into the night


is for swimming in crystal clear water

for ridiculous moments with dear friends

laughing until you cry and your stomach aches

for allowing your curiosity bring you to new lands

and dancing on the beach at dawn


is grieving for what you have lost

for sinking into endless despair thinking you may die from the pain

aching and screaming silently

but when the time comes getting back up anyway


is finding the place you belong

for singing loudly in hot showers

for burying yourself in the person you love beyond words

for strange moments that completely and utterly change everything

and being free

to come home.


Caz Espinoza, 7th May, 2014


A tale of blood and bliss

red wings

There was blood all over the kitchen floor.

My friend was pale and muttered something about lying down for a bit, then he slid down the wall in slow motion and collapsed on my father’s linoleum floor.

I was horrified.

My eyes were fixed on the deep pulsing slash on my friends forehead. How did this happen? Why did we think this was a great idea? No, seriously, how on earth did we think that this was a smart idea?

The massive silver fishing knife was still in my hand. I dropped it on the kitchen bench like an uninvited spider. It clamoured and protested against the modern brown and orange tiles, it’s sharp blade still covered in Colin’s blood.


He was still on the floor, his face stark against his black Irish hair.

God, don’t die. Don’t die.

I ran to the bathroom and found a clean towel; when I got back Colin had slumped a little more down the wall. The bleeding looked like it had slowed a little, but I was fourteen. What the hell did I know?

I lay Colin on the floor and firmly pressed the towel down on the deep crimson gash across his forehead. Colin groaned. Good. He was still breathing. That’s good right?

“You’re going to be fine Colin.” Oh god was I going to cry? Don’t bloody cry. Just stop and think.

Okay, so the good news was that Colin was breathing, and (lifting the towel up) the bleeding was stopping…sort of…I think.

I looked around at the kitchen. The floor was covered in blood from when we had sliced the blade across his forehead. Okay. When I had sliced the blade across his forehead. Colin had screamed like I was murdering him and run around the room with his hands over the cut. “Shit! Shit! That bloody hurt!”

At first I had laughed, thinking he was being a baby, but then I had noticed the blood. Pouring through his fingers. Streaming down his beautiful angular face and onto the floor.

“Sit down Colin! God, you’re making a mess. My mum’s going to kill me!”

Yep, she was going to kill me alright. Here I was with a nearly dead boyfriend, and blood everywhere, and no good excuse for not being in school on a school day.

I looked at Colin.

He was breathing, but he still looked pretty white. Yep, smart idea. Pretend Colin had fallen over and cut his head, so we couldn’t go back to school. It had seemed like the perfect story to get off our afternoon classes. Really there is only so much of geography and Miss Burt that we could take.

So we’d decided to cut his forehead with a knife, and that way it would look like  he had really fallen over. We hadn’t accounted for the fact that a cut from a fall would be jagged, and perhaps filled with gravel or dirt, while a knife leaves a distinct slice through the skin; something which a very astute resident pointed out in emergency a few hours later when Colin’s mum took him in for eighteen stitches. We also hadn’t accounted for my enthusiastic approach to every task I am given, and my unexpected skill for filleting fish; or in this case Colin’s head!

Colin opened his eyes.

I let out a huge sigh. Oh thank god. I think it’s going to be alright.

“What are we going to do now then?” He cocked his eyebrow and gave me a grin.

I burst into semi-hysterical giggles.

“Um…clean up?” My eyes looked around the kitchen. Oh great, there’s blood on the fridge as well.

Colin began to sit up and visibly paled again. I pushed him back down on the floor.

“Perhaps you can lay here for a bit while I clean up this mess, and then we can take you to the doctors.”

“Wasn’t quite the way I thought we’d be spending the afternoon…but I guess we’d better get you away from that knife.” he smirked again, then groaned as I punched him in the arm.

“Well I was determined to make sure we did it right!”

Yes, I was determined.

Perhaps I was also a little misguided, and naive, given I was only fourteen. Oh and I was lucky. Bloody lucky that the universe hadn’t allowed me to actually kill or permanently damage my friend. But I was definitely determined to make something happen.

Determined to get what I wanted.

And it’s true, sometimes determination is the great driving force. I don’t want you to think that it’s not. It keeps you focussed on your goals and it helps you to achieve what you want to achieve in your life. We need that fire. My dogged (perhaps a bit more mature an well thought out now that I am older) determination has certainly brought me incredible experiences and achievement.

But we also need to enjoy the moment. To savour what we are experiencing right now.

Sometimes when you are so determined and focussed on controlling everything in your life, things can spiral out of control. No, it’s true, not everyone slices up their friend with a fishing knife, but if t’s all about the goal, the determination, the fire! fire! fire! you can start making insane decisions in an effort to stay in control.

You also forget to enjoy the very moment you are in.

And it’s often in those moments that you find simple, exquisite joy. That you find you can breathe. That you find you have no real control at all, but this is exactly where you want to be; it’s the essence of a life well lived.

So remember to stop the chaos, step away from the knife and make time in your life to be present in the very moment you are living in.

Happy New Year!

Dead Before Midnight: New Years Eve 31st December, 2013

Welcome to my new blog!

So I guess the title’s a bit dark. But it describes my new adventure for 2014 perfectly.

So a few months ago I saw a meme on my Facebook feed.

If you are anything like me, somewhere in between the odd photo or post from your family or friends, your daily feed is full of quotes by famous people, positive affirmations and uplifting, life changing stories. And if you are like me, they make you feel a bit better on good day, or help you to breathe on a bad one. Then they fade in the blur of your busy day. Hidden under the growing pile of paper work in your office or falling into the over loaded washing basket. Life is too full to stop and think much more. It’s enough to feel a bit warm and fluffy and then go on your way.

Well it was.

Perhaps I should say here that I consider myself a pretty self aware girl, living a pretty decent life. I also think I contribute to the world around me in a fairly positive way. Most of the time.

I have a healthy, fairly happy family, a beautiful partner who basically loves me to death, a good job where I get to change lives for the better, and a small group of very good friends who have been in my world for a long time. Good, healthy and positive. Well, most of the time.

So, as I was saying, a few months ago I saw this meme.

I’m assuming you all know what a meme is, so I won’t go into detail…but if you don’t then check out this meme def here.

But I should probably show you the meme:


And I couldn’t get it out of my head. It has been all I have thought about for months.

What would I do if I knew that the person before me would be dead by midnight?

Would it change the way I behaved?

Could I muster up any more kindness? Would I go out of my way to understand them better? Would I go out of my way? Wasn’t I going out of my way to be a good person already? Wasn’t  I contributing enough?

And if I did all this, how exactly would it change my life? Wouldn’t it change their lives?

Well, let’s see shall we?

This is the challenge for 2014. While most of you are making news years resolutions about giving up food or smoking; My new years resolution is to treat everyone I meet as if they will be dead by midnight.

For the next 365 days…