We Sat


We sat together. Side by side.

We had been sitting like this for nearly an hour now.

We cried. Softly. Almost silently. Into the emptiness that yawned out in front of us.

We looked at the garden beyond. Our eyes focussed on the wooden backyard fence in the distance.

Our minds numb. We knew that the world continued beyond the boundary.

We knew that time wouldn’t stop for us.

It ran ahead, busy with the rest of the world, abandoning us, immune to our cries.

We sat. Together.

We sat alone in our hearts. Alone in our worlds wondering what had happened. How did we get here?

What did we miss?

We sat and searched our memories.

How did this poison leach into our breath?

How did it seep into our dreams?

“I promise it will be different.” he said

I believed him. I wanted to believe him. So I did.

I smiled. “Okay.”

It was better that sitting here crying. It was better than feeling hopeless.

My heart was tired. Mascara blackened my face. But I stopped shaking.

“Okay.” I said again.

My son took my hand and smiled.

And we sat.


For a little longer.

We Sat, Original Poem, Carol Espinoza, 21 April 2014


Be brave and do the thing you think you can’t do!


DAY 63

4th March, 2014

‘You must do the thing you think you cannot do.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

It is funny how we can give up the very things that we love, that we hold precious and dear, because we are full of fear. We are not frightened of the thing that we love to do. That beautiful thing that we get caught up in and lose time over. The things we wish we could spend our days doing. We are frightened of what people will say, what the critics will think, what people might think of us. What we think of ourselves.

We think we are not good enough.

We think that we are somehow not deserving enough, and that eventually someone will find us out!

We are frightened of the things that we imagine will be said about us.

So we give up the very things that we love, beyond measure, and we settle for a life that is small and safe.

It is true. It’s scary to vulnerable. It is also frightening to take a risk and show up. To dare to give your dream a life. It is scary because you will make mistakes. You will fall flat on your face sometimes – perhaps most of the time at the beginning. It’s also scary because in the world we live in today, people can be mean. They will sit in their comfortable chairs on social media, or in the real world and will comment on your abilities. They will make comments about you.

Just think of all the gossip shows that attract massive ratings. Apparently we all love a good gossip and a nasty little story.

But  here’s the thing: we are all afraid. We all think that we are not good enough, (even the hosts of that horrid TV fashion show!). We all think that we do not deserve goodness and success in our lives. We are all vulnerable and afraid. But that doesn’t mean we can’t also be brave and courageous.

I always remember Carrie Fisher being interviewed about when she got the role of Princess Leia on Star Wars, A New Hope. She kept thinking that someone would realise that they had made a mistake in hiring her. Even when they started shooting the film, she kept waiting for someone to tell her that she wasn’t good enough. Of course she went on to make all three films in the trilogy, and later on played some great roles in more films like, When Harry Met Sally, and then she became a best selling author. I remember being surprised when I read the interview though. Surely all successful people are confident and talented? Isn’t that how they become successful?  It turns out that most successful people are just as scared as everyone else. But they show up anyway.

Being afraid and doing the very thing that we think we can’t do is about being courageous. And being courageous and pushing through the fear to show up anyway, is where the magic happens. It’s where we find ourselves. It’s where we find love, joy, gratitude and our creativity. It’s where we can finally live.

So, yes, it’s really scary to move beyond the fear and show up. But, as Brene Brown says, “It’s not as scary as getting to the end of your life and wondering – What if? What if I had shown up?”

Picture from: Hope Red Sunlight from wallsave.com